I just wanted to be mad.

A few days back I posted a blog titled "I just want to be mad!" I have every right to be mad, angry, hurt and upset. Someone is being unjust, unfair and at times just plain mean.

So I talked about the Sunday School lesson and scripture that I just couldn't digest. Never in my life have I been at this point. I have read scripture or heard a message, song, spoken word, and knew it was aimed directly at me. It may have taken a few days for me to work through it, but I was always able to do so.

This time it was different. I really thought I had given this to God to take care of. But it ate me daily. My stress level had peaked. My health was declining because of it, and my husband said I was "cranky". UGH. I hate to admit it when he was right. I was far more than cranky. I found myself snapping at people (people I care about), rolling my eyes, and huffing. Don't get all pious on me, you do it too.

I had prayed for God to show me how to speak to this person (we will call Mary Lou). I am often attacked by Mary Lou and I would just say a lame something like "you're right", "I know", etc. I would never stand up because crossing Mary Lou would just make my life more miserable, and cause the attack to be prolonged. It was easier to just lay down. Now this is not a fresh thing, it has been going on for many years. I never stood up for myself or others that did not deserve this toxic behavior.

So anyway, as I said, I prayed for God to give me the words to speak to Mary Lou. On the advise of a management/leadership seminar I once attended, I began to roll play different situations and (tongue in check) how God would want me to respond, trying to prepare myself. Yet I didn't realize just how poisonous my own responses were.

So anyway, Let me take you through what I have just learned. I did finally get through the very difficult passage, 1 Peter 2. I won't quote the entire thing because it is lengthy. But I just want to give you the bites, that I had to swallow. I am doing this for a few reasons. #1 If I write it out, I'll have a better understanding. #2 I'll grow stronger. #3 If you are in a toxic situation maybe it will help you too.

vs 1. ...lay aside all malice, all deceit ... all evil speaking.
So basically it says Stop the pretense and hurtful talk. 

vs 4 (Amp) Come to Him, that Living Stone
I really needed to go to God with this. I needed to stop begging Him to take control of the situation, all the while holding on to it as tight as I could. I had to let it go.

vs 5 (amp) ....be yourselves built into a spiritual house.
Now this is not saying what I saw.  What it is telling us is present ourselves as stones for the construction of His kingdom. Yet what I heard as I read this was that I had allowed this situation to take away what was once me. For the past several years I had lived in the fear of when the next attack may occur. I use to be a pretty jovial person. I would go around singing, in-sighting laughter, etc.  Not any more, my joy was gone, and I had started looking like Mary Lou, even in my own eyes. 

vs 8 (amp) ... A stone that will cause stumbling.
Now again the scripture talked to me out of context. This is speaking about Jesus who IS THE CORNER STONE. Yet what I heard is how I have allowed this situation to become a huge stumbling block in my journey.

vs 9 (nkjv) ...you are chosen...that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness
Bam, right between the eyes. All that I was proclaiming was ugly. The way we conduct our self in daily living should always speak of God and His wonderfulness. Here I have sunk into a pit and proclaimed the victory of Mary Lou. 

vs 10 (amp) Once you were not a people at all ...
There was a time I was nothing. Everything I am, every trial I have overcome, everything I own, it all comes from God. I am nothing without Him. I am everything with Him.

vs 11  This world is not our home. This whole problem has no value on my soul. Yet I know when I over come this situation I will be stronger. I pray it will help me remove the binders, to be stronger and more verbal in my faith, to be more verbal about my precious Lord and Savior. 

vs 12  Conduct yourself properly that the world may see, and glorify God. Boy had I missed that one. 

Now this is where it was really hard to swallow. 

vs 13 (amp) Be submissive to EVERY human institution and authority for the sake of the Lord...
Regardless of Mary Lou's actions the bible is very clear of what my actions should be. This is a hard pill to swallow for a women that has had to lead. That whole "submit" thing. 

vs 14 (amp) For it is God's WILL and intention that by doing right [your good and honest lives] should silence the ignorant charges and ill-informed criticisms of foolish persons.
If I had been doing the right thing, God would have taken care of the problem a long time ago.

vs 17 (amp) show respect for all men....
Boy I blew that one, my mouth away from Mary Lou had been way more verbal than it should have been. 

vs 18 (amp) .... be submissive to your masters with all proper respect, not only to those who are kind and considerate.....but also to those who are surly...
Yep, blew that one too.

vs 20 (amp) ....but if you bear patiently with suffering... when you do right and that (punishment) is undeserved, it is acceptable and pleasing to God.
GOD, I need your help.

vs 21 (amp) For even to this were you called [it is inseparable from your vocation). For Christ suffered for you, leaving you [His personal] example, so that you should follow in His footsteps.
Inseparable, INSEPARABLE? This is where I am supposed to be? This is what it is supposed to look like? This is how it is going to be?

vs 22 (amp) He was guilty of no sin, neither was deceit (guile) ever found on His lips.
GUILE:sly or cunning intelligence. Synonyms: cunning, wiliness, slyness, deviousness.
Oh boy, my replys, my well thought out answers for the next attack. I had let so much contempt reside in me, even when I thought I was on the right path...I was far from it. 

vs 23 (amp) When He was reviled and insulted, He did not revile or offer insult in return; [when] He was abused and suffered, He made no treats [of vengeance]; but he trusted [Himself and everything] to Him Who judges fairly.
You know Jesus many times when attacked said nothing at all. This to me is very hard to digest. Part of me still just wants to be mad. Part of me wants to justify myself. But Jesus trusted God to take care of Him. I must put my trust in God. I must allow Him to fight this battle. I put my self and everything in God's hands.

Back to more rambles.

It always amazes me how when God wants you to see something, it seems to appear on every corner. 1 Peter 2 has been the topic this week on a devotion that I follow. A cousin, that has no idea of this situation posted on Facebook yesterday. ugh. It's like you can not escape.

But the last two days there is this song that I never even paid attention to before, seems like it is everywhere. These lyrics, let me know God is hearing me cry, He sees me fighting this battle within and He is my Rock and my Shield.

"You're going before me and oceans are parting. You're fighting my battles, When my feet are failing and my heart is shaking, You're fighting my battles"

https://youtu.be/lACswX-cUAg
The Afters "Battles".

I know as I become obedient to Him, He will do the rest.
I don't want to be angry any more.

Thank you for listen to me ramble.